Enemies
One valuable element of creative writing is sensory detail. These are the details that are seen, heard, tasted, smelled, and felt (not emotions). Your primary grade for this essay will be decided by the amount and quality of sensory details you include.
Some examples of sensory detail:
Sight
The pale yellow of the light in the room calmed the squirming participants.
Her fat thigh squeezed through the narrow crack in the door.
The majestic mountain view inspired the dragging hikers.
Sound
Tinkling bells alerted the assassins to danger.
Murcio cooled in the symphony’s whispering melody.
Roaring through the streets, 007 escaped.
Taste
The Joads swallowed the bitter defeat and went home.
He planted a sweet kiss on her salty, sweaty forehead.
Palin read the letter that tasted to him like a bowl of sweet berries.
Smell
“Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark,” sniffed Hamlet.
Frederico smelled success as he flipped through the acrid bills.
After being away, the spicy scent of Mom’s perfume enveloped him.
Touch
He ran his hands through the cat’s silky mane.
A velvety silence rolled in as Georgina slept on the fluffy pillow.
A harsh thunder shook the desperate survivors to the core.
Your story should be no longer than one typed, double spaced page.
Your story should be based on your picture.
Your story should be about enemies.
Your story should include A LOT of QUALITY sensory detail.
Grade: _______________/50
In the year 2115, Paolo Lim, the Asian-Brazilian surfer, takes a ride down the rough and lumpy boardwalk to the chilly appointed meeting spot for the showdown of a lifetime. His sheer blue, wheeled surfboard coasts through the chilly breeze as adrenaline steadily increases the rate of his thundering heart.
Gray and mustard-colored toxins wash ashore the silent sands of the beach which smells of rotten eggs and rotting fish corpses. His nemesis awaits with 50 or more green-clad associates all wearing glittery protective helmets to guard from the filth suffocatingly drifting in from the turbulent sea. Lim wears only his smooth black wetsuit and rolls in on his aqua board. He’s sure this will be his last ride as he surveys the polluted but excellent waves.
Park, the American politician surfer, grasps his flaming orange and red board as his footsteps noisily crunch toward Lim. A knowing smirk lights across his face as he watches the unprotected enemy release his tiny board from the circular shackles of the wheels. Lim and Park meet—Lim somber, Park smiling.
Park’s associates outfit him with plastic-smelling protective gear from head to foot and a tiny sparkling air tank rides across his rubbery, green shoulders. Lim approaches the water and dips in his toe. An acerbic tingling rides up his foot and into his knee as the poisonous sea water attacks his youthful flesh. When Park is ready, the two surfers take to the water.
Each paddles in stride with the other as the burning flesh on Lim’s body begins to penetrate the ambiance. They arrive at the spot where waves have broken all morning and wait for the perfect one to roll in. Lim curls up on his board and examines the gory burns which now cover much of his body. Park smiles again because he knows that Lim won’t be able to compete.
Finally a magnificent wave curls up and both surfers paddle ferociously toward shore. They stand. They surf. They ride the tunnel. Each has the ride of a lifetime.
Five minutes later, Park’s associates arrive at the two washed-up bodies. Park lies still with a broken neck and Lim is unrecognizably covered with burned flesh from head to toe. Both are declared winners and both are undoubtedly losers.
